The following were among one hundred and twenty three losing submissions in an essay contest sponsored by William and Gay Macabee, former proprietors of Macabee Burgers, a fifties-style hamburger stand in Las Vegas, Nevada. The Macabee's offered ownership of the restaurant to the best essayist; entries were confined to one hundred words or less and submitted with a $200 application fee.

I must have a humburger stand. I need to eat. Humburgers taste good and the people are addicted to them just like me. First burger is free to every customer, the rest they must pay for. I will take care of your stand, and make money too. What's up with the 200 dollar entry fee?

I want your drive in because as a kid I used to go to this one place that served hamburgers. If I win your burger stand I can relive my childhood and hopefully remember the name of that place. Did I write too many words?

When a man hits the age of 40 he usually has his life in order. I am almost 40. I am 39. Things aren't in order yet, really. Being responsible for burgers, and the customers who want them will help me get my shit organized. I have three children (triplets) who need looking after, so if I win can you babysit them while I am cooking? I am guessing you live nearby and it wouldn't be much of a hassle since you don't look after my shop anymore. Please help.

Winning this makes me feel great, I mean, I've always been considered "washed up." I read that a positive attitude can change the world. You can tell that I am a go-getter. You like me already. My life is no longer heading in the wrong direction, and with your store I can brighten the lives of so many more lost children.

The Interenet is changing everything. I went ahead and took the liberty of registering the domain name "www.macabeeburgers.com" because I have the master plan all laid out. Online fastfood. Point. Click. Cook. Go pick it up. Like the Amazon.com of fast food, but faster.

one two three four five six seven ATE nine ten. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ATE nine... from the menu of the shop you will award me!! HAHAHAHAHAHA get it?