Feats of Useless

• Sewing all the curtains in great halls 6-9 into a single continuous curtain, descending in velvet insolence from the mercury lamps in the eastern, styrotiled ceilings to the paneled floors of oiled rattan.

• Rearrangement of individual stairs in the Archimedean staircase. Replaced upper half of staircase with solid oak reproduction of the earlier Faux-Cherrywood spirals. What took the best carpenters of the day 13 months to assemble, piece by exquisite piece, the industrious butler was somehow able to perform, en masse, overnight. This is according to the most reliable appetizer-rated reconnaissance crews.

• The second ballroom was found in a state of n:n+1 scale disarray. Itemized account of damage:

  Stackable items---stacked Fileable items---filed Washables---washed Collatables---fully collated Round items---rolled Curved items---turned Items that look like flies from a distance---found looking like flies, but from different distances (an apparent honing of ersatz fly nature) Unclassifiable items---categorized Ordinal furnitures---descending Cardinal fixtures---ascending (meeting, according to the auditors, in a dizzying tango, free from the repudiation of the only slightly involved) Non-stick surfaces---stuck firmly to the vials of universal lubricant Solvents---solved, found to be not only locally but globally stable

  
  

• His most prized possession is a tuxedo jacket which is both reversible and invertible. The weave is so profound that the same shade of outer coat is never encountered during successive reversals.