Her time in the infirmary will serve several purposes contrary to my own.

• Her wretched nature will be forgiven and forgotten. A person, however foul, may be canonized in death. So too are the injured grossly overappreciated. Sympathy, hard-earned by her family, will be taken from them in tiny doses. Her parents, brought together briefly by the episode, tethered by mutual concern for their wounded lamb, will find the sypathy they deserve for having so long endured her interminable madness slowly stolen from them. Well-wishers, knowing nothing of her odious temperament and fecal disposition will see only a trembling girl, bandaged and behosed. Those who have endured her venemous tendencies (coupled with an erratic morality) will lose a portion of their rightful inheritance with every "wish for the best."

• This will doubtless become one of those hospital stays that results in "strength of character" and "spiritual growth." Sadly, these advances will fail to include that class of epiphany known as "Boy I have done some terrible things," but will tend instead toward the more pedestrian "You really don't appreciate the good things until your liver is punctured. Friends, family, boy-howdy, life is good." Praise the Lord.

  This apparent growth may not even occur, and in fact, need not occur. She will, of course, learn nothing from her wounds and their subsequent fading. However, her luck is such that she will still benefit from the appearance of growth. She will reap all the benefits of pilgrimage without wasting valuable condescension time on epiphanies, repentance and redressing past ills.

• She will, as has become her custom, take credit for something her body has done, independent of her specific intent.